


it feels like I've known you longer

by Theatricuddles



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Fluff, M/M, Mollymauk Tealeaf Lives, Soulmate-Identifying Marks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-06
Updated: 2020-03-06
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:34:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23043325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Theatricuddles/pseuds/Theatricuddles
Summary: Caleb knows that pink hair. He’s been finding it in his clothes, on his pillows, occasionally in his soup for years now.He knows the patches of moss and the patches of fur, and he doesn’t know how he could’ve ever gotten them confused now, looking at him.And he knows the voice that whispers forth as the firbolg man says quietly, “It’s you.”“It’s you,” Caleb agrees, and then he has absolutely no idea what to say.(Or, a Soulmate AU where you look more and more like your soulmate the more you miss them.)
Relationships: Caduceus Clay/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 12
Kudos: 304





	it feels like I've known you longer

**Author's Note:**

> There's some background beaujester and fjolly, but since it's only in a few sections I didn't want to put it in the tags. This was a quick thing I wrote a while ago and finally decided to put up.

On Caleb’s fifteenth birthday, he blinks awake to find a strand of pink hair on his pillow.

The next few weeks, whenever Caleb runs a brush through his hair, he keeps finding pink strands falling out. That can’t be a coincidence.

But what kind of person has naturally pink hair? He suspects for a while that it’s hair dye, but later he finds that can’t be the case. Mollymauk had been confused why his soulmate’s hairs were green when he’d never met anyone with green hair, until Fjord confessed that he dyed his hair to avoid the other kids’ teasing, and the natural color was green.

Caleb starts leaving moss everywhere. At Mollymauk’s instance, he starts bathing more frequently, but it doesn’t seem to affect the relative amount of moss growth.

“Maybe he’s got so much dirt on him that the water just helps it grow,” Fjord suggests one night at dinner.

“I hate you all,” Caleb says to his teammates laughter. So, that’s one explanation down. The other, and weirder, explanation, is that Caleb’s soulmate is actively growing moss. On their person.

“It would be just like me to have a soulmate who died before I ever met them,” he remarks to Beauregard later.

“Okay, Mr. Glass-half-empty”, Jester said. “It’s probably just that your soulmate is some kind of person who-“

“Who grows moss on them at all times. I.e. a corpse,” Caleb interrupted.

“Hey, that’s my soulmate you’re talking to like that,” Beauregard interrupted. “Seriously, though, Caleb, what if it’s like… I don’t know, a fae creature or something?”

“…If it is not vaguely humanoid, the odds are good it will see me as a snack,” Caleb said, gently petting Frumpkin.

“Well, I would hope your soulmate would think you’re hot,” Beau said.

“What?”

“If you’re a snack, it means you’re hot,” Jester said. “Like Yasha is a snack.”

“Well, Yasha is decidedly a beautiful woman,” Caleb said quietly.

This had been another reason he tried not to believe in soulmates when he was younger. The concept that someone would be able to love, permanently and unconditionally, someone like him? Absolutely ridiculous.

But here the moss is, just the same.

He plucks off a piece of it, right next to his heart at one point, and asks it, what is my soulmate like? What did he sound like?

The moss, being moss, does not respond.

However, Caleb gets an answer two weeks later when he’d suggested making some tea for Jester’s sore throat and when he says “Would you like some tea?” his voice comes out a full octave lower than it normally would.

“Maybe you’re the one with the sore throat,” Jester suggests.

Caleb shakes his head.

“Then I think we might’ve just found your soulmate’s voice,” Fjord says. Caleb groans.

The rest of the group starts making bets on when they’d find Caleb’s soulmate.

It started with Nott, because of course it did.

Caleb had been staring forlornly at the bottom of the boat as they slowly traversed through the Gentleman’s cave.

“I bet you ten gold Caleb’s soulmate is just around the next corner,” Nott casually remarked to Beauregard. Or at least she’d been aiming for casual, but missed it by ten feet, since Beauregard was on the other boat ten feet away from them.

What had been around the corner was horrible bat things that had tried to eat their eyes. Once they were all sitting someone forlornly in the boats, Caleb jokes, “Perhaps my soulmate is around the next corner, then,” just to cheer everyone up.

It becomes a way to make everyone laugh after a rough experience.

Got thrown out of a seedy bar? “Maybe Caleb’s soulmate is in this next one,” says Beauregard.

Got attacked by wolves in a cave? “Maybe Caleb’s soulmate was raised by wolves. Would explain the hell out of the moss,” Fjord quips.

Got lost in a weird sticky swamp? “Maybe Caleb’s soulmate was captured by cave trolls,” says Jester.

At one point, Mollymauk is holding both Nott and Caleb’s hands as Caleb scopes out the land above through Frumpkin.

(Sometimes, Nott’s vision gets so bad she can’t even see two feet in front of her, and usually Caleb guides her then.

This had become a problem when Caleb needed to look at things with Frumpkin, before they’d had anyone else with them.

“I think your soulmate might need glasses,” he’d remarked to her at one point. Nott had gone quiet and they hadn’t discussed it any further.)

There is a profound lot of nothing above the ridge, so as Caleb comes out of Frumpkin’s vision, he decides to ask Mollymauk something he’s been wondering for a while.

“Mollymauk,” he says quietly, “you have your soulmate now. And yet… you still have bits of Fjord about you,” he says, indicating a longer green hair among Mollymauk’s purple ones. “And Beauregard still has bits of Jester, even when she is literally in her arms. So… why is that?”

“Well, you’re the expert on magic, not me,” Mollymauk points out.

Caleb waits.

“…But you want my honest opinion?” Mollymauk asks. “I know having the traits of your soulmate is mostly due to missing them. At least, that’s what I’ve always been told. But I think a big part of missing someone is loving them. And if you’re supposed to be with this person for the rest of your life, I would hope that you never, ever stop loving them.”

Caleb twines one of the pink locks of his hair around his finger. “I suppose that makes sense,” he manages to say through the sudden lump in his throat. Then, changing the subject, he says, “Why do you think the pink parts only grow out of the right side of my head?”

In the hour-long debate that follows, Nott and Jester are team “undercut”, Beau and Molly are team “Cool Scar”, and Fjord keeps suggesting that maybe his soulmate is extremely stressed and all their hair is slowly falling out.

Caleb rubs gently at a patch of moss on the back of his hand the whole time they’re discussing this.

He’s wondered how you can miss someone you’ve never met, but he feels the missing of his soulmate now, almost like pressing your fingers against a bruise leaves a vague ache for hours afterward.

He starts to wonder if he’ll ever find them.

And the next morning, Jester and Fjord and Yasha are gone, and his own soulmate is the furthest thing from his mind.

And if Caleb thought he’d seen Beauregard and Mollymauk angry before, he must have been kidding himself.

The moment with Keg almost escalates to blows.

“Where’s Fjord? Where’s Yasha?” Mollymauk snarls, and a moment later, everyone (including Mollymauk) seems shocked at where that came from.

Keg manages to explain herself, and then they make a plan.

And the plan goes wrong, as it always does. But it’s a thousand times worse this time, because Caleb sees Mollymauk fall to the ground, and then he sees Beauregard fling herself over him, and a moment later, Mollymauk gets flung off the wagon, eyes closed, not moving.

And it’s only the fact that Beauregard had been whispering in Mollymauk’s ear just before he’d gotten flung to the ground that keeps Caleb clinging to a last thread of hope.

And as all of them are kneeling in the dirt, watching the caravans fade into dust, Nott lets out a cry of loss and everyone runs to Mollymauk’s body. 

“He’s not dead,” Beauregard pleads, and everyone thinks she’s kidding herself until she covers Molly’s chest wound and says, “I told him to play dead. He’s not dead yet,” but none of them are Jester and they don’t know how to stabilize him and Beau is frantically trying to chew the herbs the old woman had given them and feed them to Molly, but he’s still not waking up. Nott tries to hold some of his wounds closed, but she might as well be trying to hold back water from a sieve.

“I’ll go get the horses,” Keg says, looking for something she can do, and comes crashing back through the brush a minute later with a woman with floppy ears and fur and a tail, saying “She says she can help!!”

“I have berries,” says the woman, and Caleb worries if they might be poisonous and says, “Wait,” and reaches out for one.

If this does turn out to kill him, maybe that’s for the best. He’s useless as anything besides a weapon, and since he can’t even save his friends, he’s clearly useless for absolutely everything.

But before he can take one, Beauregard slaps his hand away. “What the hell are you doing?” she said. “He’s bleeding out!”

“What if they were poison?” Caleb asked quietly.

Beauregard draws in a deep breath, her shoulders shaking with anger. “Even if they were,” she says quietly, “What makes you think I would want to lose you too?”

Caleb doesn’t have an answer to that. And it probably doesn’t make much sense to poison a dying person, anyway. So he steps aside and let the kind fuzzy woman feed the berries to Mollymauk.

No. To Molly. His friends call him “Molly”.

“Molly,” he says quietly, as Molly coughs his way back to consciousness. 

“Where’s… Fjord?” he manages to gasp out.

“You idiot, you almost fucking died,” Beau says, throwing her arms around Molly, Nott following suit a second later. He and Keg look at each other awkwardly before Beau drags both of them into the hugging pile, and the woman who’d saved Mollymauk excuses herself to get more berries.

When the woman with brown fur finally gets back, all of them are crying, and Keg is apologizing frantically, and the woman who later introduces herself as “Nila” offers everyone else the berries, but Beauregard shakes her head frantically and says, “Give them to Molly”.

And when Molly is able to stand up again, he says, “We have to move,” and Beauregard shoves him back down and Nott says, “Molly, you’re one papercut away from keeling over! We can’t keep pushing on like this!”

“…I need Fjord back so much,” Mollymauk says, in the quietest voice Caleb’s ever heard him use. And Caleb’s kicking himself now, because how could he possibly not have seen it? He’d seen the occasional green streak through Molly’s hair if he was worried about Fjord or if Fjord was kissing Molly, but currently almost all of his hair was green, and the green patches were even starting to bleed through to his skin. “And I’m terrified for Yasha. She doesn’t… she can’t…”

He doesn’t elaborate. They don’t make him. Beauregard slings his arm around her shoulder, and holds him tightly with blue-spotted fingertips. Almost all of her hair is going blue now.

“I think all of you need another hug,” Nila says, holding her arms out in offering. And gradually, she does hug each of them. Even Keg. He isn’t sure why him and Beau and Nott, the most standoffish members of their group, are suddenly taking to hugs. Maybe it’s because Nila just saved one of them. Maybe it’s because they’re not sure they have anything left to lose.

It doesn’t fix everything. But it helps.

So they decide: They’re not going to the Iron Shepherds. Not without help. But they can’t sleep outside now after… what happened. So they make it to Shadycreek Run, and they sleep.

They have no idea what tomorrow will bring. Beau’s non-blue hair is starting to fall out.

While they’re sitting in the bar, Nila walks over and points to a patch of white fuzz just above Caleb’s collarbone.

“Your beloved is a firbolg,” she says quietly.

She looks around in confusion as suddenly, everyone stares at her.

“I assumed you knew?” she asked. Caleb wordlessly shakes his head.

“When your soulmate is a firbolg, you start growing some of their fur. This is mine,” she said, indicating a dark brown patch on her arm, “and this is Kitor’s.” She points to the predominant color of her fur. Caleb had assumed that was her main fur color, before he found out that detail about her fur currently being her soulmate’s.

He had never known that about his soulmate. He had always just assumed the patches of fuzz had something to do with the moss. But that wasn’t what stood out to him about the conversation, now.

“You miss them very much,” he said quietly.

“I would do anything to get him back,” she said. “Him, and my child. But I want to make sure you all are safe as well.”

Caleb gives her a hug. And he isn’t sure if he’s speaking to her, or to Beau, or to Molly, when he says, “We’ll get them back. I promise.”

He isn’t sure how he’s going to keep that promise. But he’ll keep it or die trying.

They get up, and they keep moving.

They get a tip from somebody who knows somebody who knows a healer. So they go and wander somewhere, deep in the woods.

“Maybe,” Mollymauk offers, still barely standing, “your soulmate will be here, in this middle of this creepy forest of death.”

And all the laughter that follows is almost worth watching Mollymauk wince as somewhere on his body, something starts bleeding again. But he’s still laughing.

Keg looks vaguely amused, and Nila looks mildly concerned, but at least they feel better. Somewhat.

“Look,” Caleb says, sounding about five times more confident that he feels. “Either this man will help us, or he will not. We’re not going to gain anything from dawdling around the creepy forest.”

None of his false bravado keeps him from falling to his knees in shock when he finds his soulmate staring at him from the entrance to this cemetery.

Caleb knows that pink hair. He’s been finding it in his clothes, on his pillows, occasionally in his soup for years now.

He knows the patches of moss and the patches of fur, and he doesn’t know how he could’ve ever gotten them confused now, looking at him.

And he knows the voice that whispers forth as the firbolg man says quietly, “It’s you.”

“It’s you,” Caleb agrees, and then he has absolutely no idea what to say.

He’s in disbelief that someone this beautiful could possibly be stuck with him for the rest of their lives, but he recognizes the chunks of his own brown hair, poking through on the shaved side of his head. (The party owes Jester two gold each when they rescue her, since she won the undercut bet.) He recognizes a patch of his own pale skin, just inside the other man’s elbow when he reaches out. 

“Are you alright?” Caleb’s soulmate asks, and then Caleb remembers that they came here for a reason, that his friend’s soulmates are still god knows where and having god knows what done to them.

“We need your help, desperately,” Caleb said. “I’m sorry.”

“Well, what kind of help do you need?” the other man asks. “Can I make you all some tea first? You look like you could use it. I only have three cups, I’m afraid,” he says, smiling apologetically.

Caleb looks back at them. Beauregard smiles at him. “We’re kind of in a hurry,” she admitted. 

“Can tea wait?” Caleb asks his soulmate.

“I suppose so. My name is Caduceus Clay. It will be a pleasure to get to know you,” he says, and then he’s closing the distance between them and taking Caleb’s hands into his big, warm ones, and a little of Caleb’s fear, fear for his friends and fear for being a disappointment to his soulmate and general near-constant fear, dissipates.

“I’ll come with you,” he says to Caleb. “I’ll do my best to keep you safe,” he says to the rest of the group. And for a moment, Caleb believes that everything will be fine.

And it is fine, eventually. They get their friends back, and they get Nila’s mate back, and they find Shakaste. But… Caleb starts to realize how all his other friends must feel in the middle of the fight, because every time Caduceus takes a blow or is cornered, Caleb’s heart jumps into his throat. He wonders when that starts getting easier. He wonders if it ever does.

Lorenzo killed, Caleb steps into one of the prison cells, and gasps when he finds a brown patterned blue tiefling, and an almost purple half-orc. “Caleb,” Fjord gasps out, and then Molly and Beau rush past him, and Mollymauk lets go of Fjord only to affirm that Yasha’s okay. 

Caleb shows them the spell he’s been working on, the spell that will keep them all safe. And they are all very appreciative, but after a little while, Beau and Keg start having the world’s most awkward conversation, in which they are both very much attracted to each other but Beauregard does not want to do anything now that she’s found her soulmate, and is not willing to say it in so many words.

“And y’know, there’s Jester,” Beauregard finally says after a lot of words that amount to absolutely nothing, and Jester rolls her eyes, plops herself onto Keg’s lap, and says, “Hey. You think Beau is hot, right?”

“What?” Keg asked.

“I think Beau is hot. Do you think so too?” Jester asks. Then she kisses Keg on the lips once, lightly.

“…Yeah,” Keg said. Jester smiled.

“Well, if you two wouldn’t mind joining me,” she says as she walked out of the bubble. Beau and Keg share a look and follow.

Mollymauk looks at Caduceus, then looks at Caleb, then whispers something to Fjord. The two of them get up and leave, leaving Caleb alone with Caduceus.

And an unconscious Yasha.

“Do you mind if I-“ Caduceus says.

“Go right ahead,” Caleb says, in an attempt to put off what will inevitably be some kind of talking about… about this. About the whole soulmate thing. About the fact that they’re still alive, somehow.

The rest of Caduceus’ sentence turns out to be “move Yasha’s sleeping body out of the hut,” which Caleb has mixed feelings about. On the one hand, he appreciates the privacy of this. On the other, he wishes this conversation wasn’t happening to begin with.

“I wanted some privacy for this,” Caduceus says quietly, “because I didn’t want to make you to upset. But… I’m not sure I can come with you.”

Caleb’s heart twists. Of course, first person in history to get rejected by his soulmate. 

“I understand,” he says. Caduceus’ hand cups under his chin.

“It’s not because I don’t want to come with you,” Caduceus says. “I want to get to know you better. But… my family left me in charge of the blooming grove. And I couldn’t help but notice… I wasn’t exactly all that helpful in this fight,” he said.

Caleb looks away from Caduceus’ piercing pink eyes for a moment. “All I will say in this moment is, I highly doubt we would all be here without you,” he said, eyes fixed firmly on the bare patch of wall off to the side. But he remembers the way he always had wanted to shove Caduceus out of the way of an attack and take it himself, even if Caleb knew logically that he was unable to take more than two hits without collapsing. He thinks maybe, having a soulmate makes you a little stupid. He’s alright with that.

“I appreciate that,” Caduceus says. “But I really think I might just slow you down. But I think I have a compromise.” He pulls a piece of paper out of his pocket. “I’ve noticed this shows up on you a lot,” he says, plucking a piece of moss off Caleb. “But it’s not… part of me. It’s just on my person. So I think… I think I’ll keep this note for you in my pocket. I’ll make sure to keep it in the same pocket. And if you find it, that’s great. And if not, then we’ll catch up when you get back,” he says with an easy smile.

Caleb smiles back. “May I ask one question then?”

Caduceus rests his hand on Caleb’s shoulder. “Depends on the question.”

“Why the moss? What kind is it? Why is it all over… us?”

Caduceus smiles. “Well, the short answer is that I just like it.”

“And the long answer?” Caleb asks.

“Look for that one on the note, if this works,” Caduceus says.

They don’t end up kissing that night. But they do talk for a while, Caleb about his magic, Caduceus about his family.

Caduceus holds Caleb’s hand, and rubs his thumb gently over Caleb’s knuckles, and Caleb is starting to understand why sometimes, Beauregard looks like she’s about to faint when Jester kisses the tip of her nose.

And so, they say goodbye to Keg, and they say goodbye to Caduceus.

The second day of their travels back to Zadash, Caleb finds a note in his breast pocket. It’s an explanation of the relationship between members of Caduceus’ family and what the moss does. Caleb only understands about half of it, not because of Caduceus’ explanation but because of his own lack of knowledge with plants. He slides it into his other book regardless.

He writes a note back, mentioning that Yasha has left the party, they’re slowly travelling back, and they’re escorting someone.

Caleb tells Caduceus they’ll be going to Nicodranas, just for a few days. Caleb tells Caduceus that the sea is very pretty, and he wishes that Caduceus was here to see it. Caleb tells Caduceus that after this quick meeting on the docks, they will return shortly.

Then everything goes very wrong very quickly, and Caleb does not have the energy to write Caduceus for two days after that.

Caduceus, for his part, does not try to make Caleb feel guilty for being away longer when he finally admits that this journey may take much, much longer than he’d anticipated.

Caleb learns what kinds of tea Caduceus prefers and what colors he likes and what he does to relax. He learns what books Caduceus owns (he doesn’t get many books from the market) and what he does and doesn’t know how to cook. He learns the plants of the blooming grove so well he feels like he could find his way around it blindfolded, even if he’s only been there once.

He learns a lot of Caduceus’ less-than-happy memories too, the fact that he always felt overshadowed by his siblings, the fact that he didn’t know what to do without them, the worry that Caduceus wasn’t doing the right thing.

None of those hit him like a punch to the gut quite so much as when Caduceus says, “I miss you”.

“So… you’re learning a lot about Caduceus,” Beauregard remarks to him one night after dinner.

“Ja. He is a very interesting person,” Caleb says.

“And what have you told him about you?” she asks.

“I told him… my spells! I told him what we’ve been doing, which is nothing if I might remind you first mate,” Caleb says with an icy glare.

“This is not about where we’re sailing to! This is about you, Caleb,” Beauregard says, looking him dead in the eyes. “So far, from what we’ve talked about, he’s poured his whole heart out to you, and you’ve given him spell components.”

“I am not-“

“Let me guess, no one you opened up to would want to stay? Bullshit,” Beauregard says. “You told me about the worst day of your entire life, and I’m not going anywhere. I’m not saying that I would stick with you if you did something to really hurt me. I’m not stupid, Caleb. But I’m not going to run just because you have problems. All of us have problems. Besides, your soulmate lives in a graveyard. I guarantee you, yours is not the worst story he’s heard.”

Caleb sighs. “If he refuses to talk to me for months on end, I will blame you for this.”

“Go on ahead. At least you’ll be talking to him,” says Beauregard.

Caleb writes out five different drafts of what he’s trying to say. When one isn’t good enough, or legible enough, or sensible enough, he crumples it up and tosses it overboard to get carried away by the sea. He would’ve burned them, but every time he tries to dredge up the memories, he can’t even look at the glove of blasting.

He gives one to Nott and Beauregard each for proofreading, then rips it up and rewrites. The final draft begins with, “I have something important I need to tell you,” and ends with, “If at all possible, please tear this to pieces after reading.”

He slips in in the pocket that he and Caduceus always use. Normally, he’s glad that the note pocket is so close to his heart, because it feels like Caduceus’ notes will be safe.

Currently, he feels like he’s walking around with an undetonated Fireball, right next to his chest.

After a day, the note disappears from his pocket.

Caleb can’t sleep for longer than ten-minute intervals that night. He wonders why he’s so worried about this. He met this man a month ago, for crying out loud. Why is he so attached to him if he barely even knows him?

(Caleb knows the answer, and he doesn’t particularly like thinking through the implications of that one, either.)

Eventually, at exactly twelve twenty six PM, a note appears in Caleb’s pocket. Caleb starts breathing again.

“I’m not going to say I forgive you, because I’m not sure that’s what you’re looking for. I’m just going to say that I’m glad you trust me with this. I want to help you, in any way I can. So if you have anything else to tell me, you can. But I don't think you’re an evil person, Mr. Caleb, despite what you said in your note.”

“P.S. the note that you sent me is currently serving as mulch for the rhododendron bush.”

Caleb reads the note over five times, then checks with Nott to make sure he hasn’t imagined or misread it. Then he tucks it away in the other book, and decides to write Caduceus a note back. When you tell your soulmate all about the worst thing you’ve ever done, it becomes strangely easy to tell them about anything else.

“You are going to say that I am not a bad person, because I care about my friends or that I care about you, and it will take a lot more than that to make me believe it. But I appreciate the help. I appreciate you, Caduceus.”

“If you sigh any harder, you’ll fall out the porthole,” Nott says, reapplying her bandages as Caleb nibbles on the end of his pen, trying to think of what to write to Caduceus.

“It is nothing,” Caleb says, writing another line and stuffing the note in his pocket.

“Look. I know what it looks like when someone’s besotted,” Nott replies. “I can tell you miss him. Why not just… tell the rest of the group?” she asks.

“I do not miss him that much,” Caleb says.

Nott reaches over and selects a chunk of Caleb’s hair which has gone pink. “You think this looks like ‘not missing him?’” she asked.

Caleb pushes her hand away. “Let’s go upstairs,” he says quietly.

He inspects his own reflection throughout the rest of the day. He hadn’t really been thinking about it, but there’s definitely more pink in his hair that there ever was before. That night, he takes some of his molasses and smears it through the pink streaks in his hair. There’s not a lot he can do about the moss, but his coat is dirty enough that he can pass it off as just various pieces of dust and debris.

Thankfully, the next few weeks, neither Nott nor anyone else asks Caleb about his soulmate, or matters referring to. Which gives Caleb all the time he needs to leave Caduceus all the notes he can. He has no idea what the rhyme or reason is to Caduceus receiving them, but he can pretend like Caduceus is only getting about every third note and Caleb’s not coming off as desperate as he is.

Every time a new streak of pink emerges in his hair, he adds more molasses. They meet Avantika, they find the serpent’s temple. Unfortunately, almost drowning means Caleb has to be confronted with the fact that his hair is almost entirely pink at this point, but thankfully everyone else was much more concerned with the giant group of lizardmen and also almost drowning to notice.

Caduceus says that the condition of the blooming grove is getting worse in his latest note. Caleb lays awake and thinks through everything he knows about plants. He sends back everything he knows that might be even slightly helpful, crammed into a single piece of paper. The letters are so close together that he can barely read it, but he doesn’t want to chance only half the letter appearing to Caduceus.

Fingers smeared with ink, he leaves it for Caduceus. Caduceus responds the next morning with, “I didn’t actually know that method of deadheading. That’s all very interesting. You’ll have to tell me more about what you know when you get here.”

Caleb makes a note to beg Beau to return to the cobalt soul’s library and memorize every single book that even mentions plants. He doesn’t know much about plants, but for the sake of Caduceus and his home, he’s willing to try to learn.

Jester makes a funny face at one point when he’s talking about Control Water. “You sounded like Caduceus again,” she says.

“I did?” Caleb asks.

“Yeah. You’ve been doing that a lot,” she says, sending him a glance he can’t place.

When Caleb is willing to admit it to himself, he imagines the feeling of Caduceus’ hands in his again. He imagines what it would be like to kiss him, for Caduceus to hold him in his arms while they made tea in the three cups located in the blooming grove. He’s a little in love. And for maybe the first time since he can remember, that’s not a terrifying feeling.

He tells Caduceus a very abbreviated version of the Darktow venture, and nothing at all of the dragon fight. He doesn’t particularly want to make him worry.

After their diving expedition, when they finally climb back out of the ocean, he realizes that all of them are staring at him and then remembers that the molasses would’ve washed out when he was underwater that long.

“Caleb,” Fjord says quietly, “why didn’t you tell us it was this bad?”

Caleb looks at himself over the railing of the Balleater. There’s so much pink that it looks like maybe his natural color is pink and his soulmate’s hair is brown. His arms are dotted with patches of firbolg fur, and pretty much everywhere that’s not fuzzy is covered in moss. Even his eyes are starting to look pink in the sun’s light.

“I’m sorry,” he says, and Caduceus’ voice rumbles out. He clears his throat and tries again. “I didn’t want to be a problem,” he says. “If Nott was able to fight against her fear, and everyone else was willing to entertain Avantika, I felt selfish mentioning-“

He doesn’t get a chance to finish the sentence, because then Nott is hugging him, and Fjord follows suit a second later. Everyone else hugs him tightly, and for the first time since they left Caduceus behind in the blooming grove, the loneliness in the pit of his stomach fades a little bit.

That reassures him a little that his feelings for Caduceus are real, and not something fate shoved on him. Because his love for Caduceus feels like his love for his friends, and his love for his friends is the only thing about him worth saving.

“Let’s get you home to your soulmate,” says Beauregard, and he smiles through his tears to her.

“But if you try to lie to us again for our sake or whatever,” Mollymauk says, gently tapping his index finger to Caleb’s nose, “I’m getting Jester to cast Zone of Truth. Got it?”

“Ja,” Caleb says.

They make it back to Nicodranas in the next four days. Caleb has never hated his knowledge of the passage of time more, because he can feel every minute as they wait for the ship to pull into port.

They take the cart back, bypassing Zadash in favor of pushing onwards towards Shadycreek. Caleb never thought he would be this happy to return to Shadycreek, but that went without saying at this point.

The last night before they get back to Shadycreek run, Caleb pets Frumpkin instead of sleeping, too key-ed up with the contents of Caduceus’ latest note:

“I’ve been thinking about you a lot. I picked out a tea that I think you’ll really like. I can’t wait to see you.”

When they stop the cart outside the blooming grove and start travelling by foot through the forest, Caleb outpaces everyone else. As he hurries down a path he’s only travelled twice and yet feels achingly familiar, he sees Caduceus standing there. Caleb’s heart catches in his throat. Caduceus’ hair is almost entirely brown. 

“I missed you so much,” he says as Caleb runs to him.

“Can I kiss you?” Caleb asks quietly, breathless and not from running.

“I thought you were never going to ask,” Caduceus says. Caduceus has to crane his neck and Caleb has to stand on tiptoe for their lips to meet.

Craning his neck in order to reach Caduceus’ lips, it still feels like the most natural thing in the world to be kissing Caduceus. It’s more natural than spellcasting, more natural than falling into bed after a long day, more natural than even breathing.

A second later, Caleb laughs as Caduceus scoops him up into a bridal carry. “I don't want you to leave me behind again.”

Caleb’s heart sinks. He can’t promise that, as much as he wants to stay with Caduceus and learn about how to redirect climbing vines and wake up in the same bed as Caduceus and not have to worry about anything besides pollen allergies. 

“I’ll have to leave again,” he says into Caduceus’ chest. They’re supposed to leave for Nott’s village in a couple days. But he’ll try and get as much of Caduceus as he can in those days, to try and make the all the times he’s imagined Caduceus seem more real.

“I know,” Caduceus says, slowly setting Caleb’s feet back on the ground. “Which is why I’m coming with you.”

Caleb, uncharacteristically, has no words.

So he kisses Caduceus again. He figures that has to count for something.

It’s around that time that the rest of the party finally catches up. “Next time, wait up, loverboy,” Beauregard says through labored breathing. But she smiles when she sees that Caduceus has scooped Caleb into his arms again.

“You two look like you’re slowdancing,” Mollymauk says, taking Fjord’s hand as he watches the two of them.

Jester’s eyes light up. “They could be, though,” she says. “C’mon, Fjord, you know this one!!” she says, and she starts humming along to what sounds like some kind of drinking song Caleb can’t place, before she begins singing the words.

Fjord rolls his eyes, but reluctantly joins in. Mollymauk provides a harmony line that’s definitely nowhere in the original composition, and not even a particularly good harmony line. Yasha hums along, interjecting when there’s a word that she remembers, which is rare. Nott claps time half a beat off.

In this moment, it’s probably the best slowdancing song Caleb’s ever heard. He interlinks his own thin, bony fingers with Caduceus’ warm, soft ones, and after a moment of confusion, Caleb takes lead. 

He leads Caduceus around the garden. They step on each other’s toes a few times, but they figure it out soon, more or less. 

Spinning Caduceus is awkward when he’s so much taller than Caleb, but Caleb can work with that. He’s willing to work with a lot of things for Caduceus.

After a round of this, Mollymauk declares he’s bored and drags Beauregard onto the makeshift dancefloor. Gradually, everyone joins, trading off partners. Yasha picks up Nott and holds her in her arms, Beauregard dips Fjord, Jester spins Molly around until both are laughing uncontrollably and Molly looks a second from throwing up. Nott steals Caduceus, then Jester does, then Yasha. Caleb gets passed to everyone at least once, and then he loses count.

They’re all much too tired to go inside and get prepared for bed, even if there are enough beds for them somehow. “I had five siblings,” Caduceus says, smiling. “We made it work.”

So Caleb pulls out a small crystal bead and makes the tiny hut. “This is where we sleep,” he says as explanation. “You could sleep with me,” he says quietly. “But you would probably rather spend your last night at home for a while under a real roof.”

Surprisingly, it’s Yasha’s hand Caleb feels on his shoulder. “Go,” she says. “Fall asleep holding your soulmate.”

“If I leave the hut, it will cease to exist,” Caleb says.

“We’ve slept in the rain before,” Fjord points out. Everyone else nods in agreement.

Caduceus just smiles. “I think maybe I should get accustomed to how my life will be for however long we’re travelling,” he says. And then he sits down in the tiny hut and holds his arms out for Caleb.

Caleb wakes up with a strand of pink hair in his mouth. And it’s not his own, for once. Caduceus’ hair had mostly returned to pink during the night, but a few strands of brown remained. Caleb was overcome with the urge to brush Caduceus’ hair aside and kiss his forehead.

As they prepare to leave, Caduceus adding his own meager pile of belongings to the ever-growing pile of bric-a-brac competing with them for space in the wagon, Caduceus presses a note into Caleb’s hand.

Caleb opens and reads it while the wagon is bumping back and forth.

“Caleb, this is a note that I’m not sure you’re going to read.

But I’m writing it down anyway, because otherwise I feel I might just burst with it. I think I’m in love with you, Caleb. And I don’t just mean that in the way that fate decided we should be together. I know I’ve only known you for a couple months, but I love the way you tell me about magic. I love the way you are always eager to learn. I love that you trust me. I love that you love this group you’ve made your family with every ounce of that beautiful heart of yours.

And I don’t know if you love me that much. But that’s alright. I’ll just be happy to see you. I’ll be happy to speak to you. And if you kiss me, I think I might be able to cope with not seeing you again for months on end. But if you let me come with you, I promise you that I love you so much.

I’ve never been as good at words as you, Mr. Caleb. But if I gather the courage to give this to you, know that I mean every word that’s written here. And I feel like I owe you some courage, after I was too scared to come with you, which turned into the longest two months of my entire life. And I’ve been alive a while.

Let’s hope that your spineless soulmate has at least an ounce of courage left.

All my love,

Caduceus Clay.”

For supposedly being the articulate one, Caleb is entirely unable to form words after.

So he settles for crawling across the wagon and taking Caduceus’ hand.


End file.
